michelleponders

Learning, studying and writing has been difficult as of late. Exhaustion has been the name of the game. It has been one battle after another whether it be physically, emotional, mentally or spiritually. Age is definitely catching up with me and taking care of myself has become a priority in my life. Scheduling changes at work have taking a toll on me physically. Since my main gig is standing on my feet with only my lunch break to sit, my feet have taken a pretty hard hit after 19 years. So now I’m working to build some strength in them and that is painfully exhausting. I have back issues for which there is no magical cure, connected to the years of standing on concrete. But these are issues that I have always dealt with because I have a mortgage to pay. Plain and simple. But it’s the other things in life that has brought a pain that is almost too much to bear.

I have been my biological mom’s caretaker for 7 years now. And the last 2 years and counting have been the most difficult. I won’t bore you with all the details but I will say this. When you watch someone day after day loose the person they once were to a disease that is taking away their ability to be human, it takes a toll on you in a way that you would not wish on your worst enemy. Alzheimer’s/dementia is cruel and ugly. And when you know there is no cure, you ask God why let this person suffer like this. When the sundowning is bad and her brain is short circuiting and there is no getting through to her, I tell God that I will not be mad if He takes her home so she no longer suffers like this. That is raw emotion that surfaces. The day is coming, if God does not call her home first, that I will have to place her in a facility.

My paternal grandfather always told me that it is important to know what is happening in the world. At one time, I would rely on legacy media to get that information. I definitely do not do that any longer. I look to people like Glenn Beck, Steve Deace, Sara Gonzales and Blaze Media amongst others to keep up with the world. But listening to what is happening and the evil that is running a muck in the world, I certainly understand at this point in my life why older generations going all the way back to after the resurrection of Christ why people believed that the 2nd coming was imminent. Man does not learn from his mistakes and people are pure evil. So I do what my grandfather always told me: make sure your spiritual house is in order and God will work out the rest. But some days the evil in this world is just hard to understand.

Everyday is a battle and this battle weary warrior is tired. So I cling tightly to God’s Word and the promises He has made. My faith is what gets me through everyday. But as strong as I am in my faith, I am a flawed human. I let things I cannot control get the best of me and I loose it. I definitely ask God why a lot. But then I can hear a story or a song that brings me closer to my Creator and I just drop my shoulders cry. I ask for His forgiveness for thinking I can handle all this madness of an evil and crooked world by myself. Then I remove my armor and I’m just a child needing my Dad.

Ephesians 6:10-18

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.