michelleponders

So I have a sign in my office that says ‘Old age isn’t for wimps!’ I inherited it from my mother, who has a way of imparting wisdom through humor. But it wasn’t until I entered my 50’s that I truly began to understand the depth of that statement. As I interact with the younger people at work, I often find myself playfully teasing them, reminding them to relish their youth and savor how effortlessly their bodies recover from illness, injury, and the wear and tear of daily life. After all, once you cross into your 50’s, it’s as if the proverbial check engine light comes on, signaling that things are about to change, and no matter how well you care for yourself, that light never seems to turn off. I often joke that the maintenance routine gets more complicated with every passing year. Of course, the younger colleagues around me just laugh and dismiss my comments, claiming I am not that old and that I’m being somewhat silly. They simply cannot grasp the truth of aging and the challenges it brings until they, too, experience it. It’s a lesson that seems to elude the young; they never fully believe what they are told about the passage of time and its inevitable effects!

But that check engine light not going off has certainly become my reality in the middle age stage of life. My doctor has certainly helped me to come to that realization by telling me that I am considered limited mobility and gave me the paperwork to get a permanent disabled parking placard. I have lumbar spondylosis with several bulging discs, and the discomfort often radiates in ways that can be both unpredictable and frustrating. Add to that the arthritis and bone spurs, and you have a great party indeed, one filled with unwelcome surprises. Now, I am being treated for the symptoms by non-invasive procedures, which I appreciate, yet so far, there have been no miracle cures. Each day presents a new challenge as I live with chronic daily pain, and I can be quite grouchy when it is a bad pain day, especially when nothing seems to touch the pain effectively. Of course, the doctors have good intentions, but since surgery is not an option at this point, and to be honest, I am not sure it ever will be, all the doctors can do is treat the symptoms that plague me. I am okay with this limitation; it just means I have to make significant changes in my life to learn to adapt to living with limited mobility. However, unless I am willing to go to physical therapy and pay a copay every time I visit, which can quickly add up, I am essentially on my own in learning how to navigate this new reality. It has become vital for me to find alternative methods of coping and managing my condition on a daily basis. Let me explain.

What exactly is happening to my back? Two years ago I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, a condition that has seemingly plagued many as they age. I was told that it is a normal part of aging, yet the experience has been anything but normal for me. I continue to work like I always have because bills have to be paid, and I began getting steroid injections in my back as a way to manage the incessant pain. The injections provided brief relief, allowing me to keep moving, but that respite was fleeting. Then last September, the pain in my back shifted in intensity and nature. Lifting my right leg became an arduous task, and soon after, pain began shooting down my right leg with an intensity that left me breathless. To make matters worse, tingling and a burning sensation spread down both my legs, rendering me nearly immobile at times. I had become dependent on a cane to help me walk, a symbol of my struggle. A new MRI was ordered, and what it revealed was a stark, sobering diagnosis, laid out in black and white; it was an undeniable depiction of the damage within. Two discs are bulging and affecting crucial nerves, while vertebrae are collapsing onto each other, a disturbing sign of deterioration. Arthritis has become prevalent in my spine, accompanied by bone spurs that exacerbate my discomfort. The natural cushioning that keeps the spine straight and supports the body’s structure is now depleted. This cushioning does not regenerate, and all that surgeons can offer is to fuse bones together—essentially making my spine even stiffer and less mobile. Gravity has become my relentless adversary, pressing down on me with an unforgiving weight. Its effect on the body is comparable to smashing down on a hamburger patty while it is cooking—both a visual and physical representation of the stress my spine endures. With the cushioning absent in my lower back, I find myself in a state of bone on bone, where the constant friction creates bone spurs and pinches nerves mercilessly. There is noticeable swelling in the joints and sockets of my spine, a direct result of arthritis that only adds to my discomfort. I struggle to walk upright because of the “smashing” effect of gravity on my spine, feeling as though I’m perpetually under siege from my own body. And that is pretty much my back in a nutshell—a complex interplay of medical challenges and daily struggles. Talk about a party!

I work a job in retail which consists of standing all day with one break for lunch. Picking up boxes weighing 30 to 50 pounds is an everyday part of the job, and this constant physical strain takes a toll on my body over time. We are not offered safety belts or back braces, which seems like an oversight, given the nature of the work. While we are instructed on proper standing, lifting, and picking up procedures, that is unfortunately the extent of the support provided. If you get hurt, it is automatically assumed that you were using unsafe practices and it was your fault you got hurt. There is a pervasive culture here that discourages us from reporting injuries; if you file for workman’s comp, you are watched very closely and your job is always on the line, casting a shadow on the already difficult decision to seek help. Now, management will tell you this is not the case but we all know that corporations are always looking to save money at the expense of employee well-being. You get hurt, you cost the corporation money, and that is no bueno. I have not once filed anything through my job, silently managing my conditions as best as I can. I have dealt with my back issues myself, relying on over-the-counter pain relief and stretches at home. I am not talking bad about my employer, but they are a corporation and they all have rules to follow. Yet, I find myself in a harsh reality; despite having a college education, I do not have any skills or know the right people to get a job where I am not standing all day. Standing all day is not good for my back and just makes the pain worse, a chronic reminder of how my body struggles under the demands of this job. Sitting is not necessarily better on my back but is still better than standing all day, providing some relief even if temporary. As the old saying goes, darn if you do and darn if you don’t; the balancing act of working under these conditions is exhausting both physically and mentally. But I keep going because I have to, pushing through the discomfort and pain each shift. I have had to learn how to navigate my physical limitations in a job that is not friendly to limited mobility, finding small ways to adjust my stance or shift my weight when possible. This is just my work life, a constant juggling act of responsibilities, physical strain, and the relentless pursuit of stability.

My life now consists of different aides to help manage everyday life, which has become crucial as I navigate my daily activities more carefully. I already use a cane to help me walk, but I often find myself wondering if I am using the correct type of cane that best suits my needs and provides adequate support. Should I perhaps be using a walker when I have to do a lot of walking, reserving the cane for use around my house where I feel more secure? I’ve also considered whether a back brace would help support my back while walking, especially during longer outings when fatigue sets in. Additionally, I ponder about the best bath aides to use so I do not have to worry about falling just trying to take a shower; safety in these routines is essential for my peace of mind. Is a toilet frame for standing and sitting assistance good enough, or should I invest in the installation of grab bars for extra stability? Furthermore, I need to consider how easy or difficult it will be to install handrails for the two steps leading up to my porch, ensuring I have a secure grip when entering my home. I could keep going with these thoughts and concerns, but you get the idea; these questions, along with many others, are quickly becoming an integral part of my life and shaping how I approach daily tasks with caution and intent.

I am now in the process of researching all of this amongst what is happening in my back in laymen’s terms. Medical jargon drives me crazy and sometimes I just need things explained to me like I am a 5th grader. It can feel overwhelming when trying to grasp complex concepts, yet I am determined to understand them, as knowledge is empowering. I may be limited in mobility at this point in my life, but my brain still works fine, and I fully intend to utilize my mental faculties to adapt to this new reality. I will learn to navigate this “new” life because I am a gen-Xer, a generation known for resilience and resourcefulness. I will stay as active as I can, both physically and mentally, adjusting my life accordingly to maintain a fulfilling lifestyle. Gardening is a great example of this adaptability. I know I can no longer do in-ground gardening as I used to, which is a bittersweet realization. However, when I finally get above-ground beds built, they will have to be rather tall for me to work in them comfortably, ensuring I can still engage with this passion. For now, I am doing container gardening, which suits my needs perfectly. I can sit and grow and tend to my garden without overexerting myself. Each time I see a sprout emerging or a flower blooming, it brings me such joy and a sense of achievement. And that works for me!

Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.